There and back

February 6, 2012

Nate

Last night I made it back to Irkutsk just in time for the spring semester to start, and was even blessed with relatively warm midnight weather at -10F (having tracked the weather, I expected thirty degrees less). There is a strange feeling accompanying my return, stemming mainly from some basic questions that, to most readers, would appear to have been answered a long time ago. Why am I living in Siberia? What is out here for me anyway?

Such thoughts didn’t trouble me before. Places were new, studying at the university was intriguing and exciting, and I felt a drive to understand the culture and mindset of the city’s inhabitants. In a word, I had the thoughts of an outsider, peering into the local reality through a glass barricade constructed around me by the policies and presumptions that dictate an American student’s life abroad. Flying through the icy night on an empty plane from Moscow to the end of line, however, brought the lonely feeling of going back. Not back to anything in particular, and not going in reverse, although elements of both were there. Just back. This feeling usually hits me flying from school to Wisconsin via New York for winter break. Call it home.

My time between semesters maintained Siberia as both a land of mystery and a place to be discovered as an odd focal point, grounding my various experiences and stringing them together into a kind of veiled plot that eventually brought me back here. While visiting friends and loved ones, I found Siberia everywhere. In Ireland and Italy, men and women donning the typical earflap ushanka hats strolled the city streets. In Budapest, the Danube strangely resembled the Angara in its icy lapping, and in Austria the mountain lakes looked like little Baikals. Taking a break from Russian literature, I picked up the new Haruki Murakami novel, only to find extensive passages from Chekhov’s Sakhalin Island, and in Prague discovered Steinbeck’s travel log from when he himself traipsed across the USSR with Robert Capa.

I left the Murakami book in Prague where I finished it, but there was something in there that has kept me thinking. While reading Sakhalin Island, the main character wonders why the famous Chekhov, by that time slowly and secretly succumbing to tuberculosis, would give up a lavish lifestyle in St. Petersburg to live among the Siberian natives. “Perhaps Chekhov himself did not understand why he had to go, Tengo surmised. He just had to go.”

This is the best answer I have found for myself as to why I must come back. Out here life is hard. Warmth and color do not exist in wide arrays outside one’s cramped apartment, the people are often visibly desperate for something, and there is always the looming sense that this is it—that the boundaries of one’s life are contained within a winter’s day, and there is no better existence on the horizon.

I can’t explain how a place like this can make me come back. A part of me, perhaps still looking through that glass, would like to think that I’ve made it to another pole of our existence, that I have crawled up to the edge, the icy wind threatening to blow me from my precipice, stuck my head below the bottom of the overhang supporting me and stared humanity right in its craggy face. But that’s not it. I am still a student abroad, which means that living here is a privilege that I can afford. Affected metaphors aside, I don’t really know why I came again, but I just had to. It isn’t home; the comparison is so far off that it doesn’t even make sense to me in the negative. But, if you take away family, it holds the same reason for returning, whatever that may be. And isn’t that enough?

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